8/10/2005 2:54:41 PM
wedding talk
me: can't wait til the weekend
me: got a shitload to do
melissa: oh yea? whats going on this weekend?
me: realized today i need to add all the content to the website before i send out the invites
me: finish designing all the paper stuff
me: got the vows from mark so i can finalize the program and design the marriage certificate
me: so i've lots of paper and web stuff
me: then next week i buy the paper
me: and print the shit
me: so exciting, no?
melissa: sure
melissa: this should be exciting for you
me: it hasn't been
me: at all
me: not one second of it
melissa: no?
me: just been one big ole chore
me: that i can't wait to be done with
me: it stopped being exciting in march
me: after i hired all the vendors
melissa: maybe you can simplify it and wrap it up?
me: i have
me: i'm doing what i consider bare minimum now
me: it's not gonna be as nice or as fancy as i wanted but no one is gonna notice or care
melissa: i am sure it'll be great
me: eh, the only that matters is mark and me getting married
me: the rest is gravy
melissa: are you looking forward to the wedding day?
me: i'm looking forward to the day after
melissa: you arent looking forward to the wedding?
me: yes and no
me: i'll be looking forward to everything when everyone is paid off, the dress has been altered and what could be done has been done
me: once the rsvps are in and i know how many vegetarians and kids are coming
me: once mark and i have bought the liquor
me: etc
me: there's a long ways to go before i can get enthused over this
me: i don't feel like a bride
melissa: what do you feel like?
me: don't feel special or wonderful or any of those things brides are supposed to feel
me: i feel like a project manager working 3 jobs
melissa: why?
me: and i'm stressed as all hell over it
me: i'm tryna plan the biggest party i am ever gonna throw
me: with no external funds, just what me and mark are putting in
me: trying to make it special
me: whatever that means
me: like i said, when the day comes
me: i'm sure i'll be excited
me: but between now and then
me: i'm either sitting on my ass doing nothing and getting depressed about it
me: or i'm frantic trying to get things done
me: september is gonna be a huge fucking month
me: everyone needs to get paid
me: i need to get my dress altered
me: i still don't know what bra i'm wearing
me: mark and i still haven't gotten my ring
me: and mark is gonna be travelling for most of september and october
me: i have a house to keep by myself
me: animals to keep
me: sigh
me: sorry for the rant
me: it is what it is
melissa: np
me: but, yeah, i don't feel special or whatever
me: all these women on message boards go on about how wonderful things are
melissa: well, thats a shame
me: and i'm matching fonts
me: and trying to figure out how many bar napkins i'm gonna order or whether i'm gonna diy them
me: cause they'd be cheaper
melissa: you should try and enjoy it
me: but take more time
melissa: seriously
me: how can i enjoy something that is almost over
me: there's no fun in this
me: the rest of it is stress
me: paying people and running around
me: the invites came and i almost threw up
me: swear to god
me: my hands started shaking and i felt sick
melissa: that is not the big point
me: it's not that i don't want to marry mark
melissa: you are letting the little details, something you have waited your lifetime for
me: i would go to city hall tomorrow if he were home
me: i'd marry him 80 times
me: the little details are important to me
melissa: well this part of your relationship will only happen once and if you feel that way about mark (you'd marry him 80 times) then try to enjoy it
melissa: try and focus in on some of the good shit
melissa: and remember what you said before - noone is going to care about the invites, & the bar napkins
melissa: only you will
me: right
me: but so what then is the entire point of it
me: if i'm the only one that cares
melissa: remember when you said in the beginning
me: i could go to city hall and send an email out
melissa: i know its overwhelming
melissa: i KNOW
me: and people would be like hoorah
me: i'd be 5,000 out of pocket
melissa: it is a big planning day
me: yes, i know
melissa: and you wanted to have a comfy type wedding
me: i've been working on it since february
melissa: and you are freaking out more than anyone i have ever seen
melissa: enjoy it
melissa: try to
melissa: i would hate for you to look back on these days and wish you would have savored them
melissa: do you know what i mean?
melissa: i say all this as your friend
melissa: i am trying to put you back on your original track.
melissa: you told me so many things when you started this endeavor
melissa: you didnt want to be driving yourself nutso
melissa: i am not lecturing
melissa: just trying to show i care for your mental health
melissa: and am concerned by your state
melissa: ok?
me: yeah i gots
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